I can delete someone from my life, almost like they never existed. Especially if no tears were shed. One minute there, the next minute gone and the past year is now just a warm memory. If I chose to think about it, which I don't. But it's funny how even though someone is deleted from my present, there are clues to their existence in my life that are left behind. That empty bottle of wine that is tucked behind the trash can that I keep forgetting to throw away. The toothbrush on the top shelf of my medicine cabinet. And then, my personal favorite, the underwear that I bought in the early days of the relationship.
Yep. The Victoria's Secret timeline of relationships. Single women should buy stock in Victoria's Secret (LTD, NASDAQ) so that we can at least have some sort of fiscal return on the investment. The VS timeline is a lace bordered reminder of every guy who got lucky enough to see the goods. It's also a reminder of how it felt buying that little scrap of nothing to wear for someone special. There's adrenaline involved when buying pretty sexy things for someone new to see. Along with a tinge of guilt when new guy sees something I've worn for someone else. But a girl is not about to throw away perfectly good panties just because of a breakup. We have way too much common sense for that. Consider it recycling.
Sometimes, it's a little baffling opening up the lingerie drawer and seeing the ghosts of boyfriends past staring at me through lace eyelets. Granted, since I'm all single mom and stuff, I have very few exes staring at me. They're all colors, black, white, pink, mauve...But the blue ones, those ones are for me. Along with all my sturdy cotton numbers. (Sorry boys, you get no credit for those) The nice thing is being able to close the drawer, and send those ghosts packing. Back to the deleted file.
8.9.10
15.7.10
An Open Bleeding Letter
I wish I had waited to write, instead of doing it at 1am when I was still worked up. I wish I wasn't the type to say things that aren't necessarily true in order to safeguard my feelings. I wish I hadn't felt the need to safeguard my feelings. I wish I had the courage to trust in someone else, but truthfully, I'm the biggest coward. I wish I hadn't been right.
You never made me promises, and I never asked for anything that I knew you weren't capable of giving. I should have asked anyway. We might have left off the same way, but without this feeling of betrayal. Betrayal which I would have forgiven then, had there been no deception, and could even forgive now. If you asked me. You haven't. In fact, you haven't even said you're sorry. An admission of guilt is not the same thing as an apology. I forgive you anyway. This is the story of my nurturing mother heart.
You say it was self sabotage, which is something to which I can relate. I caught myself repeatedly, but the difference is, is that I already know I'm broken. I told myself that it could never last, to just enjoy the time I had. I was setting myself up for failure. In short, I wrote my destiny. I only let you see the surface of me, and in this, I'm slightly thankful. This ordeal would hurt so much more if you had a bigger piece of me. I never let you see my whole life, the one behind the curtain. Would it have made a difference?
I don't think you realized that the wake of destruction behind your actions was going to be this wide. Did you think I was never going to find out? You were quite nearly in the clear. I can only imagine the panic you must have felt when I told you where I was going and with whom. I can only imagine the relief you must have felt when I didn't call you crying. Do you know how foolish I feel now? I was self righteous in my naivety. I had no reason not to trust you. I must have looked like some poor pathetic naive little girl with her head in the sand.
I hate that I miss you. I would have missed you without this mess. I would have missed our hikes, our talks, our tearing apart of your car. I would have missed you in bed and out. I would have missed you. I didn't need to hate missing you. I don't need to bleed over you. Yet here I am. Still waiting for you to say you're sorry.
You never made me promises, and I never asked for anything that I knew you weren't capable of giving. I should have asked anyway. We might have left off the same way, but without this feeling of betrayal. Betrayal which I would have forgiven then, had there been no deception, and could even forgive now. If you asked me. You haven't. In fact, you haven't even said you're sorry. An admission of guilt is not the same thing as an apology. I forgive you anyway. This is the story of my nurturing mother heart.
You say it was self sabotage, which is something to which I can relate. I caught myself repeatedly, but the difference is, is that I already know I'm broken. I told myself that it could never last, to just enjoy the time I had. I was setting myself up for failure. In short, I wrote my destiny. I only let you see the surface of me, and in this, I'm slightly thankful. This ordeal would hurt so much more if you had a bigger piece of me. I never let you see my whole life, the one behind the curtain. Would it have made a difference?
I don't think you realized that the wake of destruction behind your actions was going to be this wide. Did you think I was never going to find out? You were quite nearly in the clear. I can only imagine the panic you must have felt when I told you where I was going and with whom. I can only imagine the relief you must have felt when I didn't call you crying. Do you know how foolish I feel now? I was self righteous in my naivety. I had no reason not to trust you. I must have looked like some poor pathetic naive little girl with her head in the sand.
I hate that I miss you. I would have missed you without this mess. I would have missed our hikes, our talks, our tearing apart of your car. I would have missed you in bed and out. I would have missed you. I didn't need to hate missing you. I don't need to bleed over you. Yet here I am. Still waiting for you to say you're sorry.
25.6.10
Change of Plans
If you had asked me 8 years ago what I would be doing at 30, I would have told you without hesitating that I would be celebrating 6 years of marriage, living in Redondo Beach and have 2 children under my belt. I would never have considered for a second that I might be a single parent living in San Pedro, credit shot to hell, overextended and underpaid. I had a plan! But of course, 8 years ago I was 22 and what the hell did I know?
That's the funny thing about plans: they never end up how you think they will. At least mine don't. Ever. I wake up some mornings and wonder how I got here. But then I look over at my sleeping child and I know that I wouldn't change a thing. People often ask themselves if they could go back in time and change it, would they? I have pondered that same question, and even knowing what I know now, I know that I would go back and do exactly what I did before. I honestly believe that we do the best we can as we're doing it. Unless we're psychopaths, in which case, yikes. But the average person is a good person.
We make choices, good or bad. The outcome isn't known until it's done, and every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Our lives are dictated by the choices we make, and every choice made after is a product of that first one. It's a constant domino effect. I chose to destroy the relationship I had at 22. The one that might have landed me solidly in my 'plan'. I had my reasons for doing so, and I did. And every choice I've made since then has landed me here, wondering what today's choices will bring.
That's the funny thing about plans: they never end up how you think they will. At least mine don't. Ever. I wake up some mornings and wonder how I got here. But then I look over at my sleeping child and I know that I wouldn't change a thing. People often ask themselves if they could go back in time and change it, would they? I have pondered that same question, and even knowing what I know now, I know that I would go back and do exactly what I did before. I honestly believe that we do the best we can as we're doing it. Unless we're psychopaths, in which case, yikes. But the average person is a good person.
We make choices, good or bad. The outcome isn't known until it's done, and every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Our lives are dictated by the choices we make, and every choice made after is a product of that first one. It's a constant domino effect. I chose to destroy the relationship I had at 22. The one that might have landed me solidly in my 'plan'. I had my reasons for doing so, and I did. And every choice I've made since then has landed me here, wondering what today's choices will bring.
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