They tell you when you are little that words can't hurt you. They tell you this because they know that what they are telling you isn't true. Words hurt. Words can cut, slice, make you bleed. Words, when designed to hurt, can hurt years later after the initial pain has passed, upon remembering, to open the wound fresh. Words leave behind emotional scars that never truly go away. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, how different your life is now, they stick and come up when you don't expect.
I know this best because of the words that I have said, or held myself back from saying. I know the words that can break someone, make them feel small, unimportant, worthless. From the depths I can pull someone's weakest moment, their worst fear, their shame, and turn it against them. I don't say this because I'm proud of it. I say this because I'm not. It's odd really, how much power words hold over people. And more power still when knowing a person's weakness.
With age comes maturity and the wisdom to know that even though I have the capability of being that person, it's harder and far more rewarding to not be. I think back to the words that have hurt me, that shaped the person I am today, and there's great sadness there. There comes a time to let go. I am buried by words that hurt; the guilt of saying them and the pain of receiving them.
It's time to start fresh, to try on a positive outlook (and hope to god it fits). Life is hard enough without carrying all this old baggage with me. I want to send it away on the ocean tide and wash myself clean. 2010 is a new year. It's a great year for starting fresh, starting over, starting anew. I can't wait.
25.11.09
23.11.09
Days and Dates
It has been 3 years, 9 months, 24 days since I last wrote in my blog. Looking back over those three years, I can see how this would fall to the wayside. Life happens, especially when you're busy creating and nurturing more life.
It has been 3 years, 2 days since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. One of the more emotional days of my life, but in the end, one of the more blessed as well. Out of fear comes courage. I found that.
It has been 2 years, 3 months, 2 days since the day my daughter was born. I have never felt more powerful than I did on that day.
It has been 11 months, 8 days since I broke up with the father of my child. Love comes in many forms, but not for us. Not how it should be to go forward.
It has been 3 months, 8 days since I moved back in with the parents to get my feet on the ground. Now to figure out where to go from here.
Life happens and it happens when we're not paying attention. One moment I was writing about finding love and endless possibilities, now I'm writing about grains of sand through the hourglass. It happened in a blink. All of a sudden I have a two year old, my life is in a small state of upheaval, and I have only flashes of clarity in what remains of my brain.
In some small, momentous ways, life has moved forward for me, and in others, I'm right back where I started. The question becomes 'what have I learned from this'. I have answers for that, not all, but some. I have learned that I'm stronger than even I could have given myself credit for. I have learned that I don't have all the answers, that I can make them up as I go. I have learned that walls that are built brick-by-brick can be taken down the same way. I have learned that sometimes it's better not to define with labels what happens, but to let things happen organically. I have learned that who I actually am is a work in progress. I am learning to remember what parts of me I liked at certain points and to bring that back around again.
I'm starting over. Again. And I'm finding that I like it. Especially with a cute two year old partner in crime.
It has been 3 years, 2 days since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. One of the more emotional days of my life, but in the end, one of the more blessed as well. Out of fear comes courage. I found that.
It has been 2 years, 3 months, 2 days since the day my daughter was born. I have never felt more powerful than I did on that day.
It has been 11 months, 8 days since I broke up with the father of my child. Love comes in many forms, but not for us. Not how it should be to go forward.
It has been 3 months, 8 days since I moved back in with the parents to get my feet on the ground. Now to figure out where to go from here.
Life happens and it happens when we're not paying attention. One moment I was writing about finding love and endless possibilities, now I'm writing about grains of sand through the hourglass. It happened in a blink. All of a sudden I have a two year old, my life is in a small state of upheaval, and I have only flashes of clarity in what remains of my brain.
In some small, momentous ways, life has moved forward for me, and in others, I'm right back where I started. The question becomes 'what have I learned from this'. I have answers for that, not all, but some. I have learned that I'm stronger than even I could have given myself credit for. I have learned that I don't have all the answers, that I can make them up as I go. I have learned that walls that are built brick-by-brick can be taken down the same way. I have learned that sometimes it's better not to define with labels what happens, but to let things happen organically. I have learned that who I actually am is a work in progress. I am learning to remember what parts of me I liked at certain points and to bring that back around again.
I'm starting over. Again. And I'm finding that I like it. Especially with a cute two year old partner in crime.
30.1.06
v-day....schmee day
Current mood: 
okay, i'm going to say it....FCUK Hallmark holidays! every other radio commercial right now is a blast to buy crap for Valentine's Day. i go to the grocery store and there are red hearts, candy, and those stupid stuffed bears every damn where. why do people buy into this crap?
seriously, why should we designate one day a year to show someone how much we care about them? shouldn't we be doing stuff here and there all year long? just because? oh, but noooo, we have to have a set holiday, where let's be serious, it's all based on consumerism. and it's all about the girl? why on earth is it all about the girl? i had a friend once tell me that she wanted her BF to buy her a Dooney & Burke purse ($400) for Valentine's Day. do i EVER hear my guy friends saying, 'oh yeah, i really want my GF to get me that new PS2 game for v-day?' nope.
so here we have one day that is slanted in one direction, you are bombarded by reminders from the second that Christmas ends, you have to have your dinner reservations by the middle of January otherwise you're SCREWED! and even if you do have reservations, you're still dealing with a 2 hour wait! and if you try and go somewhere nice, you don't get the full menu, no, you get a limited menu of stuff that you may or may not want to eat because the kitchen is so slammed cranking out meals.
you become, on february 14th, nothing but a cog in the wheel of consumerism. and for all the people who don't want to get sucked into the joke of a holiday (which i swear, Hallmark made this all up) you can't go out to dinner if you want to, and if you stay home, then you get to watch Dr. Phil on primetime talking to Paula Abdul about her love life. gee. makes you want to just make reservations so you don't get stuck with THAT. i personally intend to celebrate Ground Hog's Day this year in lieu of V-Day.
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