I always knew it would end. Even when it was then. Those flings, the ones that last only a few months. I never expected forever. I took from them the bits and pieces of what I think I'm looking for, and if I piece them together I create perfection. Knowing now that there is no such thing, I wonder if going in to get out was the best choice. Do you cut yourself off from something that could be great?

I remember my only 'one night stand'. But is it a one night stand if you've known them for years? After it was over, he asked me "So this means you're my girlfriend now right?" And I looked at him, smiled as I said no, then walked out the door. I haven't talked to him since. At the time, I knew that I was only the second person that he'd ever been with. And I didn't want that responsiblity. I heard about 2 years ago that he was engaged to be married. I am happy for him. He deserved someone who could have stayed and said yes.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened had I stayed in any of the flings. Would I be a different person than I am now? Or would I still have the anger that haunted me for so many years. It's an anger I still don't understand, though it's felt less and less with each failure. Perhaps it's absence is resignation to the fact that this is my life. If I am paving a path to heaven or hell, the staircase is heading south.

When I look back on my relationships, of which there are many and none, I notice that I think about them objectively. As though they are just part of a story that isn't necessarily my own. A movie in my mind maybe. I see the parts where I failed. I see the parts where they failed me. In a way, looking at everything from a third person point of view helps me to learn from the mistakes rather than cry over them. What good is crying anyhow? Tears don't take it back, they don't fix it. And would I want it back anyway is another good question.

I think the part I worry about most, in leaving before it began, is cutting myself off from greatness. And when will I know when it's time to stick?