I wish I had waited to write, instead of doing it at 1am when I was still worked up. I wish I wasn't the type to say things that aren't necessarily true in order to safeguard my feelings. I wish I hadn't felt the need to safeguard my feelings. I wish I had the courage to trust in someone else, but truthfully, I'm the biggest coward. I wish I hadn't been right.
You never made me promises, and I never asked for anything that I knew you weren't capable of giving. I should have asked anyway. We might have left off the same way, but without this feeling of betrayal. Betrayal which I would have forgiven then, had there been no deception, and could even forgive now. If you asked me. You haven't. In fact, you haven't even said you're sorry. An admission of guilt is not the same thing as an apology. I forgive you anyway. This is the story of my nurturing mother heart.
You say it was self sabotage, which is something to which I can relate. I caught myself repeatedly, but the difference is, is that I already know I'm broken. I told myself that it could never last, to just enjoy the time I had. I was setting myself up for failure. In short, I wrote my destiny. I only let you see the surface of me, and in this, I'm slightly thankful. This ordeal would hurt so much more if you had a bigger piece of me. I never let you see my whole life, the one behind the curtain. Would it have made a difference?
I don't think you realized that the wake of destruction behind your actions was going to be this wide. Did you think I was never going to find out? You were quite nearly in the clear. I can only imagine the panic you must have felt when I told you where I was going and with whom. I can only imagine the relief you must have felt when I didn't call you crying. Do you know how foolish I feel now? I was self righteous in my naivety. I had no reason not to trust you. I must have looked like some poor pathetic naive little girl with her head in the sand.
I hate that I miss you. I would have missed you without this mess. I would have missed our hikes, our talks, our tearing apart of your car. I would have missed you in bed and out. I would have missed you. I didn't need to hate missing you. I don't need to bleed over you. Yet here I am. Still waiting for you to say you're sorry.
