It's funny. I had this idea of what my life would be like: I'd fall in love, marry by the ripe old age of 24, have 2 kids before the age of 30 (boys of course), be a stay at home mom, and I would be content. Instead, I made bad decisions, punished someone I love, slid into a self destructive downward spiral, came up for air, got pregnant, and turned bitter. The golden lining is my kid is awesome and I'm best friends with her father. But my life did not go according to 'plan'. Most would say that life rarely does.
It's been 3 years since my ex and I split. He's dating again. He met someone on eHarmony of all places. She seems to be nice, by all accounts. I will admit that I went a little bit crazy. I had had this idea of maybe trying again. I'd thought off and on over the years that maybe we hadn't given it enough of a chance. His dating this new women threw a kink into my half baked plans. Once the crazy passed I did a lot of thinking. I realized that while I love him, I wasn't ever 'in love' with him. Not in the way that meant forever. The part that was making me crazy was seeing him happy with someone else and realizing that I was not capable of being that person for him. Just as he wasn't that person for me.
It makes me sad, that realization. He asked me recently why I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. I hadn't ever really put that thought into words before. There was a reason why I sabotaged every relationship I've been in. Decisions in your life, once made, must be lived with. I'm living with ghosts. I am haunted. Lately I've been pondering the idea of 'letting go'. They say you have to love yourself and just let go. Two things I've never actually been able to do. I've been living this life day to day just getting by. That's not really living.
I need to clear my head. I need to bury the past and leave the ghosts behind. I need to forgive myself. These are the journeys I will take this year.
