The most abused words in the English language is "I love you". People either don't say it enough, or don't mean it when they say it. I am guilty on both accounts. I've been nearly dumped before because he didn't know where I stood. Here he'd been saying I love you for months. And I just smiled and kissed him back. It wasn't that I didn't feel the same, but I wasn't really raised to say it. I've always been horrible at expressing how I feel. I don't show anger so much as get moody. Or I'll try and just fix the situation without discussing it. Needless to say, I have a lot of failed relationships under my belt. Sometimes I wonder what the point is in saying anything at all. What happens when, and this has happened often, I finally say it. And life goes on well enough for months. And I may start off meaning what I say, but then I fall out. Or he falls out. It could go on for weeks, months of fake I love you's. The ones where you say it because you're just so used to saying it. It doesn't mean that you mean it anymore. And then you start questioning if you ever really did. Then you get neurotic...What is love? How do you know you are in it? Isn't lust often confused for love? What if it was just that? And on and on and on.
And then, when it's over, and you start dating again you start to wonder if you will care enough about the new someone to ever say it. And then what if you just confuse lust for love again. It's a vicious cycle. So now, you don't trust the NS (new someone) to not hurt you. So when it gets serious and that person starts in on the I love you's, you question the validity of their statement. I realize that by continually questioning everyone's motives, that I'm missing out on the rush of the beginning. And I know that eventually I'll move past it. But for now, the only one truth that I know for sure is that I won't dole out any more fake I love you's. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to me.
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